How to add more Sizzle to your Sex Life, according to your Personality Type
If reading a book or watching a series is more enticing than spending time making love. If your sex life is about as hot as last night’s takeaway pizza, it may be time to understand your sexual type (and your partner’s) to look at specific ways to re-capture past pleasures (and add a few extra ones).
Ann Gadd, author of Sex and the Enneagram, peeks at the different Enneagram types, and shows how each type can enjoy better sex.
Our sex lives can bring us incredible joy, but also much confusion and pain. The late Dr David Daniels (Professor Emeritus Stanford Medical School) believed that sex is a mirror of our lives. So, if “routine” resonates more with you than “romantic,” or “racy,” when it comes to getting naked and naughty, then perhaps its time to reach a deeper level of understanding of where you have become stuck and in doing so spice up not only your relationship but your life.
Read through each Type’s description to see which resonates most with you:
TYPE 1
The Sinning Saint
General Characteristics: Conscientious. Perfectionistic. Idealistic. Sensible. Self-disciplined. Reliable. Moralistic.
You enjoy doing things correctly — it’s either black or white with no hint of any shades of (Mr) Grey. Striving to make your life count you want to make the world a better place. You have high principals, are hard-working and enjoy details and organising. Punctuality is very important. You get frustrated when a partner doesn’t share the same ideals. Purpose can rule over pleasure.
Ones as lovers
You can be conservative and controlled, enjoying the same sex routine yet daring to be wilder away from the constraints of home and work, where you can have freer (even illicit) sex. Provided you are in love with your partner, you want to be a perfect lover.
What can inhibit your sexual pleasure?
Things must be ‘right’ before you can relax and enjoy sex, so a partner’s undies on the floor or an unmade bed, can become the focus of attention, rather than sex itself. Trying to be a great lover can have you tensing up, which doesn’t bode well in the bedroom. You can repress your sexual instincts — there are more important issues in life to focus on.
How you can up your sexual game
Focusing on your desires rather than what isn’t perfect, is a way to create a more intimate connection. Start appreciating what your body is, rather than believing it’s something that requires correction. Accept that sex seldom is ‘perfect’ — its sometimes noisy, messy and sometimes an anti-climax — that’s life.
TYPE 2
The Sexy Seductress (or Seducer)
Key Characteristics: Helpful. Caring. People-pleasing. Affectionate and demonstrative. Generous. Relationship focused.
You will go out of your way to help others. You can easily tap into the needs of a partner. When you don’t receive what you want, or feel taken advantage of, you can become manipulative or even angry.
Two’s as lovers
You’re a sensual, seductive, caring lover who makes everything about your lover (while secretly hoping they’ll reciprocate).
What can inhibit your sexual pleasure?
You can focus so much on your partner’s sexual pleasure that you may start to feel your needs aren’t being met. Your empathetic, romantic nature, along with your desire to understand your partner’s desires, can have your feeling side-lined.
How you can up your sexual game
If you allow yourself to be aware of and express your sexual needs, seeing them as being as important as those of your partner’s (neither more or less), you can start to let go of the need to control which allows you to then surrender and receive. Love doesn’t need to be a drama to be true, nor does it need to take the form of rescuing others and creating dependencies. You are worthy of being loved even when you are not being helpful.
TYPE 3
Awesomely Orgasmic
Key Characteristics: Ambitious. Adaptable. Image-conscious. Goal setting. Competitive. Organised.
You market yourself with style yet hide your true self under a layer of self-assured charm. Success and being acknowledged for your achievements is very important, and you will do whatever it takes to win. You are popular and can adapt easily to whatever group you find yourself in.
Threes as lovers
Like a flame for moths, you enjoy being the centre of attention to attract a lover. Sex can feel like putting on a performance: “Wasn’t I great?” You shine the light of your success to seduce others, but may feel less fulfilled than you show. When it comes to orgasm, you can fake it until you make it.
What can inhibit your sexual pleasure?
Your focus on performance and being the best lover, means that you can start to lose touch with your own authentic feelings and desires. Sex can become more like acting a part than genuine intimacy. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable requires a huge amount of trust in a partner, which, if broken, can be very emotionally destructive. Its because of this that you may find yourself rejecting a lover to avoid any chance of being rejected yourself.
How you can up your sexual game
By losing the constant need to improve your outer appearance, you can adopt a more natural approach and discover your inherent beauty. Let go of the need to perform in bed, rather accept that sometimes during sex your body may not always do what you’d like it too. Stress can play a big part in this, so work at creating a better work/life balance. Remember, making love is not about being a Sexual Super Star, but about deep, authentic connection.
TYPE 4
The Romantic Romeo (or Juliet)
Key Characteristics: Creative. Moody. Sensitive. Dramatic. Refined. Aloof. Artistic.
You feel different from others, valuing originality highly. Whether it’s a purple streak in your hair, or wearing vintage clothing — you embody originality. You’re romantic and self-aware, and put a huge emphasis on your relationship. You long for a lover who “gets” you and with whom they can be deeply and authentically intimate. Beauty and artistic flair form part of all you do, and you loathe any hint of the mundane or boring.
Fours as lovers
To heighten sexual intensity, you often withdraw internally, using fantasies, and imagination. You need to feel a deep, juicy, intimate connection with a partner — a buzz that is often more important than sex itself. When you do find ‘the’ one, love can be wild, emotional and passionate.
What can inhibit your sexual pleasure?
Your focus on what is missing in the relationship rather than enjoying what is there, can have you failing to enjoy sex that’s happening. You can see-saw between loving a partner only to reject them before wanting them back again. “I love you! Oh, wait I don’t.” Rather your head may be far away reminiscing on a past romance. Realize that you can become oversensitive and react in anger to things that were never meant, leaving your partner confused.
How you can up your sexual game
Stop fantasizing about what a relationship might be and enjoy the one you’re in. Let go of being overly sensitive and acknowledge your lover’s the positive qualities. Realize your self-worth and that you don’t need to create drama to create more buzz. Use your natural romantic nature to create connection and intimacy.
TYPE 5
The Lonely Lover
Key Characteristics: Cerebral. Logical. Observant. Intense. Secretive. Kind.
You are intelligent and believe that knowledge is power. You don’t enjoy superficial chit-chat and often feel awkward socially.
Fives as lovers
You can be emotionally detached, fearing that involvement will be draining, yet when you do make love, you bring your intensity into the bedroom. You enjoy researching sex techniques and have a cooler, more cerebral approach to love. Fives often enjoy exploring the kinkier aspects of sex.
What can inhibit your sexual pleasure?
You fear that others will want more than you can give so tend to enjoy long-distance relationships or relationships that allow you space. “Distance binds us closer right?” You tend to over think things and so can be more in your head than your body when having sex.
How you can up your sexual game
Take the risk to be in a relationship. Not everyone wants to drain your energy or resources. Become aware of your body’s and your partner’s sexual needs. Sex is not a problem to be figured out — it’s about touch, sensation, and shared emotion.
TYPE 6
The Loyal Lover
Key Characteristics: Responsible. Reliable. Loyal. Devil’s Advocate. Charming. Indecisive.
You’re funny and engaging. You value commitment and are a faithful and compassionate lover who will happily support a partner’s dreams. You can be cautious, examining worst case scenarios. You can be both a rebel and yet fear authority figures.
Sixes as lovers
Your ambivalence can have you doubting love. “Does he really love me? What’s his motive for sex?” As a result, you seek reassurance in a relationship. You may sweat the small stuff such as worrying about condoms breaking or your partner straying. You’re happy to take the lead in bed or have your partner do so.
What can inhibit your sexual pleasure?
You can be more inclined to think rather than feel your emotions. Being concerned with what could go wrong, can have you imagining worst case scenarios rather than enjoying sex. You can be overly suspicious of a partner: “Is that perfume I smell on his collar…?”
How you can up your sexual game
Learn to trust yourself and your partner. Stop focusing on tomorrow’s sex or how long this relationship will last, just enjoy it for now. Give yourself permission to enjoy your and your partner’s bodies without feeling that you need to earn love. Let go of over-thinking. Relax and go with the orgasmic flow.
TYPE 7
The Spontaneous Suitor
Key Characteristics: Fun. Extroverted. Funny. Spontaneous. Can be self-centred. Creative. Visionary.
The name says it all — you go after life with passion. Upbeat, pleasure-seeking and optimistic, “boring” is not what you’re into. You liven up any party and engage easily with others.
Sevens as lovers
Vanilla sex just isn’t going to work for you. New positions, thinking up new ways to have sex gets you juiced-up. You want thrills and excitement, which can make you more open to illicit engagements. You bring humour into the bedroom and don’t let a sexual failure hold you back. Sex can be more about having your needs met.
What can inhibit your sexual pleasure?
You live in the future of possibility, planning new sexual engagements even while you’re having sex. “It’s great with Pete, but I wonder what Noah would be like?” This means that you aren’t always fully present with your partner. The belief that partners become too predictable and looking for a new buzz, can have you missing the enjoyment of the sex you are having. Learn to stick out the tough times in a relationship.
How you can up your sexual game
Be content with what is rather than chasing after future possibilities. Learn not so much to see the world through rose-tinted glasses, but to take time to smell the roses! Listen on a deep emotional level to your partner, rather than viewing the interaction as a problem to be quickly analysed and solved. Taking time to discover your partner’s hidden desires will bring greater intimacy, and enjoyment.
TYPE 8
The Lusty Lover
Key Characteristics: Strong. Straight-talking. No nonsense. Powerful. Confident. Leader. Dynamic.
You have a big heart and go after what you want, be it a man or sportscar, with drive and passion. You are larger than life, generous and protective of those you see as less strong than yourself. You don’t take kindly to anyone who threatens you or makes you feel vulnerable. Relationships are good, but you don’t feel the need to be in one to survive.
Eights as lovers
Lusty Eights can be demanding in the bedroom. “I want it and I want it now!” Sex is passionate, intense and plentiful, but hours of gentle foreplay could be missing. “Step into the fire with me,” you say. Independent, you don’t enjoy being restricted sexually. You can be dominant, wanting things to be done your way or you may enjoy relaxing that power with a touch of S&M. Sex is good, more sex is better.
What can inhibit your sexual pleasure?
You can unwittingly find your strong, energetic presence makes a partner feel less significant. You feel the need to be strong, or lovers will take advantage of you. This means you can build up a tough defensive wall making it hard for a partner to intimately and emotionally connect with you.
How you can up your sexual game
Let go of the need to dominate a lover — sex is not a battle of wills, nor is it about being on top, but rather about compromise and engagement. Allow yourself to be vulnerable in your lovemaking, instead of making others feel vulnerable — it’s gently holding a partner, rather needing to have a hold over them.
TYPE 9
The Sexual Sweetheart
Key Characteristics: Easy-going. Patient. Accepting. Calm. Pleasing. Modest. Procrastinating. Peacemaker.
Nines are generally cheerful and chilled. If you’re a Nine, you’ll loathe any conflict — “Why can’t everyone just be happy?” Change may prove to be a problem — its disruptive. In agreeing with everyone, you can forget you have an opinion.
Nines as lovers: Together with Type Fives you are the most pansexual of the types. You are open to exploration. You merge easily with a partner’s needs and are accepting of any quirks. “It’s not important, as long as they’re happy,” you tell yourself.
What can inhibit your sexual pleasure?
Being so focused on your partner, can mean you lose touch with your own needs. By focusing only on the “good” parts of a relationship, and avoiding seeing the less than fulfilling aspects, you lose the potential for depth and balance. You have a right to experience pleasure — the world won’t stop if the kitchen isn’t clean or an email isn’t written.
How you can up your sexual game
Connect with your own sexual needs and desires and begin to express them. Ask yourself: “What do I want?” Be true to yourself, rather than living through an idealized version of your partner. See your desires as equal to those of your partner. Use your vivid imagination to bring excitement into sex, connecting with your body and the sensations you’re experiencing, rather than floating away into a sleepy daydream.
Ann Gadd is the author of Sex and the Enneagram — A Guide to Passionate Relationships for the 9 Personality Types. Published by Findhorn Press.
